


I wish I can suffocate you with my own hands

by LIAism



Category: Paradox Live (Albums)
Genre: Allen confess to him prior the drabble, Allen isn't there, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, I love writing self hatred, Love, M/M, Self-Denial, Self-Hatred, Trap reaction, im the masochist one sorry, made before pride I think?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:00:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27794236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LIAism/pseuds/LIAism
Summary: I wish I can suffocate you with my own hands- but I can't! I can't!
Relationships: Yeon Hajun/Sugasano Allen
Kudos: 9





	I wish I can suffocate you with my own hands

I wish I can suffocate you with my own hands- but I can't! I can't! 

Your eyes... your nose... your lips... smile, anything about you always haunts my mind! Tell me am I going crazy? Am I going to die? 

My heart... it is beating too fast! To my own liking! I never hate you more than this.

I hate you.

"I love you."

I hate you! Hate you!

"... I love you."

Say you hate me! Say you hate me!

"I love you."

Don't touch me! Don't pity me! Don't cry for me!

Don't love me...

"Why…? I love you."

He wouldn’t know the feeling inside of him is something more than platonic if there’s no trigger. He never blames Allen or himself for this. He blames this world. (But he can blame them to the slum’s rats. Ah, they’re a nuisance if not for Allen, he won’t show them mercy at all.)

His life was planned by his family since he was a toddler, from his kindergarten to his high school, all of them were arranged by his family, and of course he hates them; all of them. If they’re kind why they just stand there as bystander? Why don’t they help him? Every love he has for them is just a façade of nothingness. Hajun never love someone… until Allen.

Is it truly love? He wonders.

Because… he feels filthy, he wants a shower now.

And it merely appears when think of Allen.

Allen and filth isn’t belonging in one sentence, Allen is Allen. A hip-hop otaku who has rich heart (he snorts at that sentence.) a fool that trust him (but he trusts him too, doesn’t made him a fool too?). Someone who he’s thought as home. Allen is more than sentence. He is the whole world. Isn’t he blaming the world? Does it mean he blames Allen for his circumstance? 

(no, no, no, no, he won’t do something like that- fate is cruel enough to bring him to his family. He never asked to be born as Yeon Hajun, he never wish- he hates everything and himself. Allen is different.)

Why does he never blame blames Allen?  
.  
.  
.

“bye-bye~” he waved, he doesn’t need to stay long and speak condolence to their opponent it takes energy and his time. Once he’s inside his bedroom, he takes off his clothes and accessories before the trap reaction inevitably begin, but again trap reaction happens really fast. The torture, the agony… the peculiar way it’s replaying his trauma again-again never bore him. He might be a masochist because of it, he’s hopelessly addicted to the pain. The pain erases his common sense and Allen from his mind.

Love… what is love? Why it’s replay his younger days, the day he speaks his family with warm in his eyes, never leave their shadow; always follow them for attention. Saying those cringing words “I love you” the robust smells of flower and the sun, the way his younger self smile and their cold shoulder… Is a prove there’s no love between them.

“Love is a useless emotion after all.” He speaks to the darkness; there are no tears in his eyes only frustration and anger coloring them. He wishes everything come to an end, but it never ends. With all of his energy, he throws anything near his hands away; everywhere.

**Author's Note:**

> I believe in HajunAllen supremacy, I'm slave of angst.  
> I made this before or after pride? I don't know.
> 
> For any question about this drabble and any correction you can comment or mention me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/sensdprvty)


End file.
